Think suspense, think Alfred Hitchcock; such was the popularity of the man who made thrillers in Hollywood. Hitchcock did not have an extraordinary family background. His father, William Hitchcock, was a greengrocer and had set up his wholesale and retail fruit-selling business at Leytonstone High Road. Three of his brothers were fishmongers. William Hitchcock’s first offspring was a son, also named William. He was born in 1890. This was followed by the birth of a daughter in 1892. His third and youngest child was born on August 13, 1899 and named Alfred Joseph.
That year seemed to be a good one for English show business. Two other renowned figures came from respectable middle class families : Charles Laughton and Noel Coward.
Lonely Childhood
Alfred had a rather lonely childhood. He was the youngest child in the family, nine years younger than his elder brother was and seven years junior to his sister. By nature, he was very shy. He often resented the big age-gap among the brothers and sister. Once, during his childhood, he was not taken along on a bicycle and told that he was still a kid for such a ride. Young Alfred angrily reasoned that the bicycle should have had three wheels instead of two so that no one would fall off. It was only later that he discovered that something like a tricycle did exist and congratulated himself for the same.
In early childhood, the Sunday Mass was a must for Alfred. When he grew a little older, Alfred was allowed to deliver fruits and vegetables to grocers in the nearby area, and he enjoyed it a lot. Childhood had both sweet and sour memories attached to it. On one occasion, Alfred found himself very lonely when he woke from sleep at eight in the evening. He was alone at home, though entrusted to a nanny. William was a stern father. He took great care of his children. Once, as a lesson to young Alfred, his father sent him down to the police station with a note as per which naughty children were kept locked there. He was actually locked in for five minutes. Overall, Alfred was a quiet and well-behaved child.
Alfred briefly attended a convent school run by the Faithful Companions of Jesus. At the age of nine, he was sent to Salesian College in Battersea but Alfred did not stay there for long. His father took him away as he thought that the living conditions at that place were not proper. The next school Alfred went was St Ignatius College, Stanford Hill, where he remained till the age of 14. This place was no less strict. As a student, Alfred kept a low profile. He was not very brilliant in his studies. Geography was his favorite subject. In games, Alfred was mostly a spectator than a participant. He preferred solitude.
As he preferred solitude, he had very few friends. Even when he stepped into his teens he felt lonely having been separated from his siblings due to the age-gap. He was also curiously distanced from his parents though being the youngest child. The fear of police and authoritative figures lasted for quite some time. He was extremely sensitive and introvert, and described himself as unattractive. In youth, he had no encounter with any girl except his elder sister. He was rather shy with girls and did not know even the basic facts of life.
First Job
It is hard to imagine a shy and rather nervous teenager, watching the seemingly remote and cool blondes could handle his beautiful heroines when he entered filmdom. In 1914, Alfred’s father died. Shortly after this, he left school, saying he wanted to pursue engineering. He went to study at the School of Engineering and Navigation. There, he learnt drawing and drafting. After the training, he took up his first job as a technical clerk at the W T Henley Telegraphy Company, a firm manufacturing electric cables.
Young Alfred had taken a fascination for collection of maps and timetables. By the time he was 16, he took active interest in the geography of New York and knew it so well that he could recite all stops of the Orient Express. He even invented games with ship routes on maps of the world marking them with colored pins. These games he played with a childish enthusiasm.
Meanwhile, World War I broke out. But it did not bother him much. In 1917, he had his Army medical test, did not qualify for it but joined as a volunteer with the Royal Engineers. He became a regular cinemagoer from the age of 16. He also began to buy movie magazines regularly and seriously. He also read small, paperback volumes of Dodd’s Penny Plays. Having realized his talent, he joined a technical draftsmanship course at London University under E J Sullivan.
Creativity To The Fore
By the age 19, his interest in engineering had almost evaporated. His worked intermittently and gradually customers complained of abnormal delay. Since Alfred was a bright young man, gifted with artistic talents, he was promoted to the advertising department at the Henley’s. Here, he wrote or edited the copy for newspaper and magazine advertisements and prepared brochures. The job was of his taste. It needed him to be creative. He proved his creativity through an advertisement of a lead-covered electric wire designed especially for use in the churches and historic buildings.
In 1919, the Hollywood company, Famous Players-Lasky, which later became Paramount, was to build a studio in Islington. Here was Alfred’s chance to enter the industry but the important question was how. The opening of an American company in Britain was a mystery. The film industry in Britain had already gone through two major jolts in 1909 and 1918. This was attributed to a severe competition from the American stars, directors and technicians. Filmgoers always preferred American films to British ones. Thus, the industry was at a complete standstill. This was mainly because the British films looked amateurish compared to the foreign ones. In this competition, only a few British films were distributed outside the country.
The new company aimed at eliminating the weak points. Though the control and management of the company was done by British capital and a British Board, its equipment, considerable part of the management team and its regular staff was from America. Alfred was attracted by this company and decided that this was the right place for him to start a career.
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
(Looks long, but is very interesting and good)
"Your name?"
"Dinesh."
"How do you spell it?"
"D-I-N...."
"Slow, slow, T?"
"No, D."
"Is that T as in Tom, or D as in Dennis?"
"No, not Dennis, my name is Dinesh."
"I know that. I am asking you, is that a T as in Tom, or D as in as in Detroit?"
"I don't know who Tom is, and I haven't been to Detroit. I just came to the US from Madras."
"OK, OK, I know that. Is that T-I- or D-I- ?"
"D. D-I-. D-I-N-E-S-H. "
"Is that your last name or first name?"
"Uh? Dinesh is my name."
"OK. What is your LAst name?"
"That is my first and last name. Dinesh."
"Then, is your name Dinesh Dinesh?"
"No. My name is Dinesh."
"But what is your LAST NAME? I am ASKING YOU ABOUT YOUR LAST NAME."
"I told you, Dinesh. I always had the same name, from birth till now.
DINESH. That's my name."
"OK, what is your family name?"
"Family? Family name? My family doesn't have a name."
"What do the neighbors call you?"
"Dinesh."
"Not you. Your whole family. What do they call your family?"
"Beedida bhat'rr."
"So, that is your family name. Do you understand?
" How do you spell that?"
"Spell what?"
"B.D. whatever you said, what your neighbors call your family."
"Oh, that ... Beedida bhat'rr.
"What do you need that for? It only means 'the brahmin who makes beedis.'"
"What are B-Ds?"
"Not B-D. Beedi, is like a cigarette, you see, they roll the tobacco in a leaf and tie a thread around it. 25 in a kattu."
"25 in a what?"
"Kattu, or katta, whatever. Like a bunch, you see. If there is even one less or one more, my father could always tell without counting. He then taught me how to do it."
"I am not worried about your 'cutter' or whatever.
What-is-your- last-name? "
"I told you, Dinesh."
"OK, OK, I don't want to go over this again. What is common to the names of all the members of your family?"
"They are all in Sanskrit. My first sister is Suneetha, the second sister is Sumathi ... "
"Not about the language. When you write your name, and your sister writes her name, what do you two have in common?"
"We have the same handwriting. Even my father can't tell our handwritings apart."
"Blast it! What is your father's name?"
"G.K.Nettar. "
"What does G.K. stand for?"
"His name, Gopala Krishna."
"Then what is Nettar?"
"That is our house name."
"House name? Aha, does every one at your house have this name?"
"It is not our name. It is the name of our house. Strictly speaking, it should be Honnadka. But my father was too lazy to change it. My father was born in Honnadka, but, see, my grandfather was born in Nettar."
"What was his name?"
"I told you, G.K.Nettar."
"Your grandfather was also called G.K. whatever?"
"No. That is my father."
"Then what is your grandfather' s name?"
"Govinda Bhat. See, my relatives still call me Mangalore Govinda.
Because it is a tradition to name the first son after his grandfather.
All the brothers of my father have done this. So, we have Honnadka Govinda, Jogibettu Govinda, Kanchodu Govinda, and I am Mangalore Govinda."
"So, then, your name is Mangalore Govinda, not Dinesh."
"No. My name is Dinesh. Mangalore Govinda is how my relatives call me.
That is not my NAme."
"What do they call your sister?"
"Ammanni."
"What? You said her name is Sooneetha."
"Yes, that is her name, Suneetha, but we call her Ammanni."
"Is that her nick-name?"
"No. she doesn't have a nick name. Only our neighbor's daughter has a nick name. She is called 'soote'. She is very active. That's why."
"What about your brother?"
"I have no brothers. But then, you can count all those Govindas as my brothers too. See, they are really kind of my brothers."
"OK, what are their names?"
"The oldest one, he is my big brother. He is called GovindaNNa."
"Govind Anna? Then Anna is his last name."
"No, ANNA, not anna. ANNA means big brother."
"What is his NAME?"
"His name is Govinda Bhat."
"Then your last name is But."
"Not but, Bhat, B-H-A-T. But that's not his name, you see."
"If that's not his name, what is it? Why does he have it in his name?"
"Bhat simply means he is a brahmin. He might as well write Rao,like his father does, or Sharma, like my father's second brother does."
"How does he write his name in official papers?"
"Nettar Govinda Bhat. That's how he writes it."
"How does his father write it?"
"Nettar Venkata Subba Rao."
"Aha, I can see now. Your father is G.K.Nettar, his brother is Nettar something Rao... your last name is then Nettar. Aha, I got it."
"But Nettar is not the last name. It is the house name."
"I don't care. Tell me one last time, what is YOUR last name?"
"But I told you, my last name is the same as my first name, my only name, Dinesh."
"Then, I am going to write Nettar here. I don't care if it is your house name, your grandfather' s name, your dog's name, whatever. It is your last name. How do you spell it? N-E-..."
"N-E-T-T-A-R. "
"N-E-T-T-? Is that T as in Tom or D as in Dennis?"
"My name is Dinesh, not Dennis."
"AARRGGHHHHH. Do we have to go through this again? Here, write it down."
"That's it. From now on, you are Dinesh Nettar, Dinesh is your first name, and Nettar is your last name. OK?
I'm such a bad cook -- my cat only has three lives left.
I'm such a bad cook -- when we go on a picnic, the ants bring Rolaids.
I'm such a bad cook -- last year the Health Department condemned my meatloaf.
I'm such a bad cook -- my kids ask me to make reservations instead of dinner.
I'm such a bad cook -- my husband does all the cooking at our house. (At least, I think he does. I eat out myself.)
I'm such a bad cook -- for breakfast I had a tub of Cool Whip.
I'm such a bad cook -- my idea of a "Happy Meal" is any meal I don't have to prepare.
I'm such a bad cook -- I use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
I'm such a bad cook -- my dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
I'm such a bad cook -- my family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
I'm such a bad cook -- when I barbecue two of my kids stand by with water cannons and the third holds the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
I'm such a bad cook -- my family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
I'm such a bad cook -- the EPA insists that all my garbage cans are marked with biohazard symbols.
I'm such a bad cook -- my microwave display reads "TILT."
I'm such a bad cook -- my two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but no one can tell which is which.
I'm such a bad cook -- my pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
I'm such a bad cook -- I've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, a blow-torch and a crowbar, and that baked on macaroni and cheese still won't come off the pan.
I'm such a bad cook -- pest control companies ask for my recipes.
I'm such a bad cook -- my tuna noodle surprise glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
I'm such a bad cook -- my family prays AFTER they eat!
Born in Cockermouth, England was the pioneer and central figure of the English poetry in the Romantic Era, his effort was a brief flowering of creative spirit midway between the collapse of 18th century authoritarianism and of the Victorian Era.
His contribution to literature was threefold. Firstly formulated a new attitude towards nature. Secondly, he probed deeply into his own sensibility, and during his time poetry was central to human experience. In his own words it is nothing less than "the first and last of all human knowledge. It is as immortal as the heart of man." Once, De Quincy wrote of Wordsworth; "Up to 1820 the name of Wordsworth was trampled underfoot; from 1820 to 1830 it was militant; from 1830 to 1835 it has been triumphant." According to Byron and Shelly, he was simple and dull. Keats doubted what he called the egotistical sublime Hazlitt and Browning deplored him as The Lost Leader, who gave up his early radical faith. However, their allegations were counterbalanced by the enormous and lasting popularity of his poetry’s, which according to Mathew Arnold, is "an expression in an age of doubt of the transcendent in nature and the good in man."
Thus, Wordsworth, who was able to create some of the greatest English poetry of his century undoubtedly, matched the creativity of John Milton, who stands next only to Shakespeare in the world of English Literature and Poetry.
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
• Medicines and friendships cure our problems. The only difference is that friendships don't have an expiry date.
• Friends r like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold u up, sometimes u lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they are just standing by. Gud Morning
• Sitting in the loo, thinking about u.. I'm passim this msg to you so that even you know what I feel 4 you. Friend, life is shit without YOU !
• Friendship is needless, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
• Friendship is a language spoken by heart... not written on paper, not given by pledge... it is a promise renewed every time we meet. Keep in touch.
• Hold a true friend with both your hands; don't let go for true friend comes once in a lifetime. That's why I'm holding you tight! Can't let U go
• Good friends care for each other. Close friends understand each Other. And true friends stay forever beyond words, beyond time.
• A friend is like gas blown from the ass, which creates noise n nuisance to others but gives me a great comfort. Thanks for being gas of my ass.
• Friendship is vast like Universe, deep like Ocean, high like Sky, strong like Iron, kind like Mother, cute like Me, and sweet like U!
• We smile at whom we like, we cry for whom we care, we laugh with whom we njoy & we become angry with whom we feel is our own. That's Friendship, that's Luv
Sooner than expected
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
Poor Diet
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Mistaken Cause
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,
"Wow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger.
Mario Puzo’s The Godfather topped the charts for 67 consecutive weeks on the Times bestseller list. Over the years, more than 21 million copies were sold. The book was made into a film of the same name and won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1972. Another remake of this film with the same name won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1974. He wrote the screenplay for both the films. He made violence in real life synonymous with the real one and sex a legitimate subject for the coming generation of American writers to take inspiration from.
Son of an illiterate, schizophrenic railroad trackman, his life could be a runaway synopsis of the Great American Dream. His military duty during World War II and working as an apprentice writer creating pulp tales for men’s magazines, writing wonderful fiction as well as non-fiction pieces, could well be remembered for their commercial success. He loved playing tennis and gambling during his free hours. As a spirited tennis player, he served and volleyed his works as a ball, which most times responded with truckloads of money and rave reviews from die-hard critics. At times, his work went unrecognized even as he pinned high hopes on them. Thus, life itself was a gamble for him – who lost when readers were not convinced and won two Oscars and a nomination for a third while winning. Heller, an eyewitness at Puzo’s deathbed quotes him, "I never knew dying could be such a social occasion." Such will be the story emanating from the pages ahead that Mario played all his life.
Check your B' day & check Who are you?
January 01-09--Dog
January 10-24--Mouse
January 25-31--Lion
February 01-05--Cat
February 06-14--Dove
February 15-21--Turtle
February 22-28--Panther
March 01-12--Monkey
March 13-15--Lion
March 16-23--Mouse
March 24-31--Cat
April 01-03--Dog
April 04-14--Panther
April 15-26--Mouse
April 27-30--Turtle
May 01-13--Monkey
May 14-21--Dove
May 22-31--Lion
June 01-03--Mouse
June 04-14--Turtle
June 15-20--Dog
June 21-24--Monkey
June 25-30--Cat
July 01-09--Mouse
July 10-15--Dog
July 16-26--Dove
July 27-31--Cat
August 01-15--Monkey
August 16-25--Mouse
August 26-31--Turtle
September 01-14--Dove
September 15-27--Cat
September 28-30Dog
October 01-15--Monkey
October 16-27--Turtle
October 28-31--Panther
November 01-16--Lion
November 17-30--Cat
December 01-16--Dog
December 17-25--Monkey
December 26-31--Dove
Now Scroll Down
If you are a Dog:
A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it
comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble
and down-to-earth! ! That explains the Reason. Why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for
clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified .
If you are a Mouse :
Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and
attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder, people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-togethers. However, you are sensitive, which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!
If you are a Lion :
Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation
wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration.
You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being
loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all his or hers!!!! Well,
Well... Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their
work done. So be careful.....
If you are a Cat :
An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer
quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances
you're cool, when given a reason to, you are like a Volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird.
People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't
like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.
If you are a Turtle : Shampy
You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in
groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the
wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always
treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return.
You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.
If you are a Dove :
You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful,
you remaining unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of
friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away
from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized
in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love....
If you are a Panther :
You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere
without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and
proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which sometimes is not possible.
As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from
difficult and tight spots when they really need you.
If you are a Monkey :
Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quickly as possible. At heart, you are quite simple
and love if you are the centre of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep
yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you
then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee
anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you
people are!
"Hello friends!! Well, jayant , my friend, told me the following incident which I wish to share with you. It has had a deep impact on my thinking.
In the diwali vacation, Jayant and his couple of friends had gone to Delhi.
They rented a taxi for local sight-seeing. The driver was an old Sardar, and boys being boys, Jayant and his pals began cracking Sardarji jokes, just to insinuate the old man.
But to their surprise, the fellow remained unperturbed.
At the end of the sight-seeing, they paid up the hire-charges. The Sardar returned the change. Moreover, he gave each one of them one rupee extra and said, (in Hindi, of course),
''Son, since morning you have been telling Sardarji jokes. I listened to them all and let me tell you, some of them were in a very bad taste. Still, I don't mind coz I know that you are young blood and are yet to see the world. But I have just one request. Here I am giving you one rupee each. Give it to the first Sardar beggar that you come across in this city."
Jayant continued," That one rupee coin is still with me. I couldn't find a single Sardar begging on the streets of Delhi."
Friends, we all love sardar jokes. But the fact of matter is that Sikhs are one of the most prosperous and diversified communities in the world. The secret behind their universal success, according to me, is their willingness to do any job with utmost dedication. A Sardar will drive a truck or set up a roadside garage or a dhaba, but he will never beg on the streets.
Provisional
Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you
done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
Unstable
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
Better after Surgery
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
Dumbfounded
Man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Time Up
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Three accountants were standing at the urinals.
The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the
other two bankers, he said, "At Price Waterhouse Coopers", we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, at
"E&Y", not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third accountant finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Shah & Patel, we don't pee on our hands."
Swearing at someone over the phone in virginia is punishable by a $100 fine.
Sweden is the largest spender on ketchup. $4 per capita. Australia is second at $2.50
Sweden will be home of the worlds first fermented harring museum.
SWIMS is the longest word with 180-degree rotational symmetry (if you were to view it upside-down it would still be the same word and perfectly readable).
Swiss Steak, Chop Suey, Russian Dressing, and a Hamburger all originated in the US.
Syzygy is the term referring to when the moon is in a direct line with the earth and the sun. The average person knows this time to be a full or new moon.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back,
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."
"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
In Memory of all those who love their bosses !
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
He replied laughing, "I JUST LOVE HEARING IT...."
Stuttering is 4 to 6 times more common in boys than in girls.
Subbookkeeper is the only word with four pairs of double letters in a row.
Sugar was first added to chewing gum in 1869. Ironically, a dentist named William Semple was behind the decision.
Suit against G-d. He won because the defendant never showed up in court.
Sunday, July 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, Edwin Aldrin was the second. They were members of Apollo 11, and landed in the Sea of Tranquility. The Lunar Excursion Module was named the "Eagle." Michael Collins stayed onboard the mother ship, "Columbia."
Swans are the only birds with penises.
Swaziland has banned miniskirts in schools in an effort to slow the spread of AIDS.
Unknowingly the person who invented the Deck of Cards (Playing Cards as referred to often) had no clue that it would be that popular....Oh, don't get me Wrong... popular it was meant to be... but not by playing with it....
but by going by it.... it was invented to be used as a Calendar.... Surprised Right..... well let me explain in a little more detail.....
The so-called Calendar, which we shall refer to as the Deck of Cards so to avoid any confusion....
The Deck of Cards is divided into two colors: Red and Black...to represent the two major seasons of the year, i.e.: Summer and Winter....For example:
Ace of Spades is bigger in denomination and therefore represents 1st January, and the Black Color represents: Winter.
Hearts represents Summer
Diamonds represents Autumn
Clubs represents Spring.
okay, now that we've got all the seasons out of the way...you're probably asking what's next??
Well, the next step is to figure out how the cards add up to the days of the year!!! So....
There are twelve picture cards to represent twelve months of the year.
Fifty-two cards represent fifty-two weeks of the year. A pack of cards has four sets of thirteen cards each ranging from Ace to Kings. So now you take one set of cards be it Hearts or Clubs, and start doing the math...add in
the following manner... 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10+11 (which is known as Jack)+12 (which is known as Queen) and +13(which is known as King). This all gives you a total of 91. Now you multiply 91 x 4(representing the four different
seasons) this gives you a grand total of: 364. Now we have 365 days in our calendar, so this is where the Joker comes in... and voila....364 + Joker makes that 365 days of the year!!
Who would have ever thought that something created to help guide us through the year has become a device to cash in on that extra money at the Casinos !!!
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to ride the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio! door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild, amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an London office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a London secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in London health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO
Streetcar conductors, taxi drivers, and business executives have the highest statistical chance of getting peptic ulcers.
Strength is the longest english word with only one vowel.
Strict Puritan laws had their origins from practical reasons. Smoking was banned farmers would raise badly needed food crops instead of tobacco. Cooking was banned on Sundays
to prevent house fires during the long hours the family was at church. Young men were banned from hunting to prevent weapons from falling into Indian hands.
Studies have proven that it's harder to tell a convincing lie to someone you find sexually attractive.
Studies have shown that men become sexually aroused nearly every time they dream.
Studies show that, for some unknown reason, the higher the level of education, the more men tend to have wet dreams.
1991 AUGUST 6 th : www was created by Tim Bernsley.
DEC 12th : first server started in america..
1993 APRIL 23 : Browser mosaic released in market to work on windows operating systems
APRIL 30 : web was made available to all.
MAY : first magazine on net The Tech was created by Massachussets institute of technology. JUNE HTML -Hyper Text Markup Language was released
NOV : Web cam was created
1994 FEB : YAHOO was created by two stanford university students David Filoo and Jerry Yang. first it was
called 'Jerrys guide to world wide web'.YAHOO means Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle
OCT 13 : Americal official website www.whitehouse. gov was started by president Bill Clinton
OCT 25 : commercial advertisements started on internet.
1995 FEB : first radio station on internet started its 'radioHK'
JULY 1 : Amazon.com ws started for the sale of books online
JULY 4 : hotmail - email service started
AUG 24 : internet explorer was launched as a part of windows 95 operating system.
DEC 15 : multilingual search engine alta vista started
1996 AUG : this month world wide websites reached 3,42,081
1997 DEC 17 : web commentator JornBorger created weblog which became Blog later on
1998 SEP : the Google company was started in a garage in california.
FEB 7 : eight prominent websites including yahoo and cnn were closed due to hacking
2001 FEB 15 : jimmywales released online enscyclopedia -- wikipedia..
2003 APR 28 : apple company 'itunes' started
2004 JUN : web creator Timbernsley was given britain white hood
NOV 9 : due to oensourcing revolution morzilla firefox was released
2006 AUG : the total number of websites on net is 9,26,15,362,, , , ,
can u guess wats this number...... ......... ...
in next three years there would be this much new websites r going to start.......
It's wondrous what a hug can do,
A hug can cheer you when you're blue.
A hug can say, I love you so
Or, I hate to see you go.
A hug is 'Welcome back again!'
And 'Great to see you!'
Or 'Where've you been?'
A hug can soothe a child's pain,
And bring a rainbow after rain.
The Hug!
There's just no doubt about it,
We scarcely could survive without it.
A hug delights and warms and charms.
It must be why God gave us arms.
Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
Sweet for sisters, even brothers,
And chances are, some favorite aunts
Love them more than potted plants.
Kittens crave them, puppies love them,
Heads of state are not above them.
A hug can break the language barrier,
And make the dullest day seem merrier.
No need to fret about the store of 'em
The more you give,
The more there are of 'em.
So stretch out those arms without delay
And give someone a hug today!
If you could see inside my soul
see inside my heart
you would know how I long for you
whenever we're apart
If you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know how I cherish you
how much you mean to me
In all the ways you comfort me
the way you hold me near
the way you know just what to do
to chase away my fear
The sparkle in your beautiful eyes
your smile, laugh, your touch
are just a few of many reasons
I love you oh so much
Knowing I can talk to you
about any and everything
and knowing together we will get
through whatever life may bring
I could search the whole world over
and this I know is true
I would never find another love
like the love I found with you
Though with each new day, each sunrise
we can't know what's in store
there is one thing I know for sure
each day I love you more
So if you could see inside my head
if thoughts were things to see
you would know I blessed I feel
to have You here with Me
Sterling silver contains 7.5% copper.
Steve McQueen persuaded his karate teacher, kickboxing champion Chuck Norris, to pursue acting.
Steve Young, the San Francisco 49ers quarterback, is the great-great-grandson of Mormon leader Brigham Young.
Steven Speilberg calls Gweneth Paltrow "Gwynnie the pooh."
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed using only the left hand.
Sting got his name from a black and yellow striped sweater he would wear a lot.
Sting was a high school teacher
Strawberries, raspberries, and cherries are not actually berries.
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
One day the Doctor noticed that his sink was stopped up, so he called the plumber. Twenty minutes later the plumber arrived, knocking on the door.
Said the doctor, my sink is stopped up, could you fix it please?
So the plumber went to his van, got out his electric snake, took off the goose neck under the sink, ran the electric through the clogged pipe, put the goose neck back on-turned the water back on and the drain worked like a new drain. All of this took about 10 minutes.
Said the doctor to the plumber, "How much do I owe you?"
Said the plumber " That will be $180.00
Said the doctor, "I'm a doctor and I can't make that kind of money."
Said the plumber "I couldn't make that kind of money when I was a doctor either"
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told
That the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he >replies : "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane
Won't even take off." !!!!
Stanley Kubrick approached Lloyd's of London about an insurance policy in case extraterrestrial life was discovered before the release of his movie 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Starfish eat by regurgitating their stomach on top of their food. If they dont like what they are eating they detach the stomach and grow a new one.
Starfish have eight eyes, one at the end of each leg.
Starfish have no brains.
Stars come in different colors; hot stars give off blue light, and the cooler stars give off red light.
Stars with really strong gravity cause themselves to become smaller and smaller and eventually turn into black holes.
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.On a flight across America, he rose from his seat,drew gun and took the stewardess hostage."Take me to Detroit," he demanded."We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of1978, the British Army had taken over emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over
the cat and killed it!..
Over the years, my wife and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put
on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.
Recently my wife Davina wandered off in search of the ladies's room and found herself confronted by two marked
doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, she stopped a
restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Davina said.
Gesturing toward the doors, she asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Ladies."
"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms
Squirrels eat through 40,000 pine cones a year.
St. Augustine, Florida is the oldest city in the US.
St. Teresa of Avila is the patron saint of chess-players!!
Stag beetles have stronger mandibles than humans.
Stage bows were originally devised as a way for actors to thank the audience. The audience would or would not acknowledge each of the actors in turn, depending on how much they enjoyed the performance.
Stamp collecting is the most popular hobby in the world.
Stanford University engineers Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard started their company in a Palo Alto garage with $1,538. Their first product was an audio oscillator bought by Walt Disney studios for use in the movie Fantasia.
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created. In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered,
"Wrinkles."
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm
and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I dont want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldnt cry if you walked away...I'd die...
I like you because of who you are to me. You are a true friend
South Africa is the only country to have three capital cities: one for each branch of its government (Administrative, Legislative, and Judicial).
South Africa used to have two official languages, now it has eleven.
Southbridge, Massachusetts, makes it illegal to read books or newspapers after 8 p.m. in the streets.
Soybean actually has Diadzein and genistein that act like weak estrogen.
Special studies conducted about the human body revealed it will usually absorb up to about 300 milligrams of caffeine at a given time. About 4 normal cups. Additional amounts are just cast off, providing no further stimulation. Also, the human body dissipates 20% of the caffeine in the system each hour.
Sperm banks keep their donor semen at approximately -321 degrees Fahrenheit. At that temperature, it could be kept indefinitely.
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would
you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, "Top, I want a damn flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
When you were 8 years old, your dad handed you an ice cream. You thanked him
by dripping it all over your lap.
When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him by
never even bothering to practice.
When you were 10 years old he drove you all day,from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by jumping out of the car and never looking back.
When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to the movies. You
thanked him by asking to sit in a different row.
When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You
thanked him by waiting until he left the house.
When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked him
by telling him he had no taste.
When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked him
by forgetting to write a single letter.
When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked him
by having your bedroom door locked.
When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You thanked him by
taking it every chance you could.
When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him by
being on the phone all night.
When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked him
by staying out partying until dawn.
When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus
carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm so
you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.
When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he cried and told
you how deeply he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the
country.
When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him. You
thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their children.
mon papa merveilleux
And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came
crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.
There have been many, many times when I may have
disturbed you
troubled you
pestered you
irritated you
bugged you
But today I just wanna tell you that
I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!!
Some people have more bones in their feet than others.
Some reconstituted tobacco contains the same ingredients found in fart.
Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
Somebody actually timed a rattlesnake mating session that lasted 22.75 hours.
Sometime around 1050 some English boys looking for a diversion blew up an old cow bladder and began to kick it around. The new game would go on to be called soccer.
Sometime around 1325, the Aztecs were looking for a place to build their capital. A priest had interpreted an omen to mean the site should be where the found an eagle, perched on a cactus, devouring a snake. And that's why they chose what is now Mexico City; they found the eagle eating a snake while resting on a cactus. The scene is depicted on the Mexican flag.
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
Sound carries so well in the Arctic that on a calm day, a conversation can be heard from 1.8 miles away.
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
Because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
Because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
Are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
And they can become you! R blessings.
I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I see you have set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with as soon as people learn to worship me.
I'll try to be nicer if your try to be smarter.
I don't work here I am a consultant.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you are an artist.
I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.
It sounds like English but I don't understand a word you are saying.
I am not being rude. You are just being insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I have a lot of karma to burn off.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
Some cultures kiss by biting off each other's eyelashes.
Some frogs like the wood frog and some turtles can stop their heart and frost their tissues during winter and defrost after that
Some frogs use sugars as an antifreeze for vital organs
Some horticulturists suspect that the banana was the earth's first fruit. Banana plants have been in cultivation since the time of recorded history. One of the first records of bananas dates back to Alexander the Great's conquest of India where he first discovered bananas in 327 B.C.
Some large clouds store enough water for 500000 showers
Some lions mate 50 times a day.
A TC in a train collects fine from girls...
he collects Rs.300 from a girl-
she was wearing sleeveless.
from 2nd girl he collects Rs. 200
she was wearing sleeveless & backless.
From 3rd girl he collects Rs. 100
she was wearing a sleeveless & backless &
a skimpy mini-skirt.. .
From 4th girl he collects Rs. 0
why?
perverted dirty minds !! what r u thinking??
she had a ticket !!!
I cannot change the way I am,
I never really try,
God made me different and unique,
I never ask him why
If I appear peculiar,
There's nothing I can do,
You must accept me as I am,
As I've accepted you
God made a casting of each life,
Then threw the mold away,
Each child is different from the rest,
Unlike as night from day
So often we will criticize,
The things that others do,
But, do you know, they do not think,
The same as me and you
So God in all his wisdom,
Who knows us all by name,
He didn't want us to be bored,
That's why we're not the same
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery,the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from
out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied,
I didn't recognize you."
Snails produce a colorless, sticky discharge that forms a protective carpet under them as they travel along. The discharge is so effective that they can crawl along the edge of a razor without cutting themselves.
Snakes are immune to their own poison.
Snakes have two sex organs... in case one drops off in their fervent attempt to trick females into mating..
'Soldiers disease' is a term for morphine addiction. The Civil War produced over 400,000 morphine addicts.
Some baby giraffes are more than six feet tall at birth.
Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say 'many things' and used a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible -in many places -refers to '40 days,' they meant many days.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The road to success…….. is always under construction.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. which never works.
If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****
As soon as you mention something…… if it is good, it is taken…. If it is bad, it happens.
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.
Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
All PMT buses are crowded.
Corollary----- PMT buses in opposite direction always go empty.
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
Did u know that tears can sumtimes b more special than smiles??
For smiles can b given 2 any1,
but tears r only shed 4 ppl v dun wanna lose.
Mornings r d Best Part Of d Day.
Its a Sign That
GOD Loves Us,
Is Giving Us Another Day 2 Live N
A Chance 2 Greet Some1 "Good morning"!!
Friendship is d inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person because u neither have 2 weigh ur thoughts nor measure ur words.
Good friends r like a pair of knife in a scissor, often moving in opposite direction, Yet punishing whoever comes in b'ween them.. "Like Us"...
A moment of joy spent undr a willow,d tear of eye dat wets ur pillow,Sumtimes pain n sumtimes pleasure,Wen given by FRIENDS,both r TREASURE!
Everything in this world is so fine, but is not mine.But one thing is so pure n divine that's ur frendship n luckily its mine.
An sms means I care enough to flex my thumb, search ur name, wait for "message sent", then think of you and smile as I say, "U are special!"
My silence
doesn't
mean
I FORGET U,
My DISAPPEARENCE
doesn't
mean
I don't
care
about
U..
Because
FREINDSHIP
is always in my
H-E-A-R-T
A lover may make u realise how wonderful the world is,but it's a friend who makes u realise how wonderful u r to the world.
Sliced bread was introduced under the Wonder Bread label in 1930.
Sliced bread was patented in 1954.
Slicing the ear off the bull is the main object to bullfighting in one form...then stabbing the bull through the neck into the spinal cord to kill it is the next goal...the matadors are allowed two tries for that. Next, two mules take the dead carcass out of the stadium and where they have a celebration in honor of the owner of the bull and a feast (guess what the main course is!).
Slugs have four noses.
Smith is the most common last name in the United States. A little over 1% of all Americans share that last name.
Smokers are likely to die on average six and a half years earlier than non-smokers.
Smokey the Bear's zip code is 20252.
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers. One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
After a few months, this time, a good lo! oking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot.
Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to
everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center
of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still you couldn't, Then see below....... ..
think hard
common yaar........ .....
tired....
wanna know the answer????
ok........ there is the Answer...... ......
During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he
was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died
!!!!!!!!
Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity ???
When I saw your name next to mine,
In our wedding card,
I felt blessed.
When I saw you smile,
Seeing me in the traditional bride groom dress,
I felt teased.
When I held your hand,
During the marriage rituals,
I felt responsible.
When you entered my lonely bachelor life,
And changed it into a heavenly abode,
I felt lucky.
When you showed the same love as I did,
Towards my parents,
I felt proud.
When you scolded me,
For neglecting my heath amidst my hectic work,
I felt pampered.
When I saw you scream,
Crying out of labor pains,
I felt helpless.
When I saw tears of happiness in your eyes,
As you looked at our kid,
I felt blessed once again.
All these feeling have bloomed in my heart,
But are yet to blossom in reality.
As these are feelings I long to feel,
For these are still unfelt.
Will you marry me...
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Johne home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't you believe me???!!!"
Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers look strange.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of England.
Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 years old when he discovered the law of universal gravitation.
Six checker cabs are still in use in NYC.
Six eight-stud Lego pieces can be combined 102,981,500 ways.
Six ounces of orange juice contains the minimum daily requirement for vitamin C.
Skin is thickest, 1/5 inch, on the upper back. It is thinnest on the eyelids, which are only 1/50th inch thick
Slaves who lived under the Manchus the last emperors of China who ruled from 1644-1912 wore pigtails so that they could be picked out quickly.
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said "the number you are Trying To call Is not Reachable At The Moment. Please Try Again Later".
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.
He told me I would fly from New York to London.
Then from Tokyo back to New York.
I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?"
He told me "That is why we give you 21 days."
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
Shoe salesmen have been using those little wooden measuring sticks since 1657.
Shrimp have their heart in their head
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Since Hindus don't eat beef, the McDonald's in New Delhi makes its burgers with mutton.
Since the beginning of this fact, 3000 puppies were born in the U.S.A
Sing Sing prison in New York has a name derived from the Indian words for "stony place."
Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes in New York in 1919, to become the first horse to capture the Triple Crown. This was the first time that the Belmont Stakes had been run as part of thoroughbred racing's most prestigious trio of events. Sir Barton had already won the first two jewels of the Triple Crown -the Kentucky Derby in Louisville, Kentucky and the Preakness Stakes in Maryland.
Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... but we give different, tailored and suitable answers to the guy !
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...
5. What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls
7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job
11. What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard
(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)
God Too In A Joking Mood...!A man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!...... .just a second."
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
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Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney. If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver
manages with other kidney.
Think suspense, think Alfred Hitchcock; such was the popularity of the man who made thrillers in Hollywood. Hitchcock did not have an extraordinary family background. His father, William Hitchcock, was a greengrocer and had set up his wholesale and retail fruit-selling business at Leytonstone High Road. Three of his brothers were fishmongers. William Hitchcock’s first offspring was a son, also named William. He was born in 1890. This was followed by the birth of a daughter in 1892. His third and youngest child was born on August 13, 1899 and named Alfred Joseph.
