I am such a bad cook

I'm such a bad cook -- my cat only has three lives left.

I'm such a bad cook -- when we go on a picnic, the ants bring Rolaids.

I'm such a bad cook -- last year the Health Department condemned my meatloaf.

I'm such a bad cook -- my kids ask me to make reservations instead of dinner.

I'm such a bad cook -- my husband does all the cooking at our house. (At least, I think he does. I eat out myself.)

I'm such a bad cook -- for breakfast I had a tub of Cool Whip.

I'm such a bad cook -- my idea of a "Happy Meal" is any meal I don't have to prepare.

I'm such a bad cook -- I use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

I'm such a bad cook -- my dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

I'm such a bad cook -- my family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

I'm such a bad cook -- when I barbecue two of my kids stand by with water cannons and the third holds the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

I'm such a bad cook -- my family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

I'm such a bad cook -- the EPA insists that all my garbage cans are marked with biohazard symbols.

I'm such a bad cook -- my microwave display reads "TILT."

I'm such a bad cook -- my two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but no one can tell which is which.

I'm such a bad cook -- my pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

I'm such a bad cook -- I've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, a blow-torch and a crowbar, and that baked on macaroni and cheese still won't come off the pan.

I'm such a bad cook -- pest control companies ask for my recipes.

I'm such a bad cook -- my tuna noodle surprise glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

I'm such a bad cook -- my family prays AFTER they eat!